There are lots of things I haven't told you lately. When I began this blog, it was all about speaking my truth. It was all about my journey and moving forward. It was about my 'coming out' party, healing from a very long and difficult depression. It was all about becoming whole and 'Flying Solo' again. I believe I said in my first post, words like: "I plan to speak my truth, be authentic, be rude, be controversial, be angry, be ecstatic, be blissful, be romantic, be profane, be aware, be an observer, think out of the box, and be a little mad (as in off the wall) from time to time."
I've slowly shifted away from this philosophy simply because I have grown, and done some incredible healing. I have grown so far beyond being afraid of Flying Solo, I felt the need to change the name of my blog. It simply didn't fit anymore. I'm in such a different place. There are times however, when I must 'get back to basics', be honest about my journey and share what needs to be out there.
I have found my creative self, and am allowing her to flourish. Such a huge blessing for me. It doesn't mean 'stuff' isn't happening. It doesn't mean I don't want to record the journey with all the hills and valleys of a normal life. I do. That's what makes it real for me, and that's what will make it worth while to me when I read it ten years from now. It is my hope, sharing some of my journey may help others with the rough spots in their own life.
So .. here's what I have not shared with you. I am WAY out of emotional balance. Doing what had to be done to complete this house nearly finished me. The last six months was hell. I was given no alternative but to fight. This is new to me. It's not part of my authentic self. I found anger within I didn't know existed. I had no one to soften the blow, I had no soft place to fall. I became everything I detested in a human being. Rude, obnoxious, outspoken, sarcastic and uncaring to others needs. I thought only of myself and what needed to be done to complete my home. Absolutely no other approach worked. I tried them all.
I became a different person. I did what I had to do to complete this project. I literally made it happen. The anger which accompanied the process has taken it's toll. I didn't know I had it in me. Amazing what we find in the depths, isn't it. The process has not been without it's mutations. I did what I had to do and am now paying the price. I'm exhausted emotionally. I need time to heal, time to find my balance again. It will happen. I am allowing it. Patience is the key. I am learning.
Next thing on the list I have not shared with you, for the record of my journey. I have severe osteoarthritis in both knees. No way around it. It hit suddenly, out of the blue. First one knee and a couple months later, the other. Walking is difficult. A cane is now my companion. I am no longer mobile. It's a shock. Walking more than a block and standing more than a couple of minutes impossible. DECISION: Have both my knees replaced. I will not spend the rest of my life living like this. It's out of the question. I am in constant pain. I need to be mobile. After all, I have things to do ... places to go ... and I'm excited about that! I need to LIVE my life.
What else haven't I told you? Oh yes, I'm addicted to prescription drugs. Our generation was the first generation to be blessed with medicine in just about all fields. Our parents were awe struck. Their children didn't need to suffer, they could consume a pill and be 'cured'. We were taught to hold Doctors at the same height as Mt. Everest ... after all they were gods! We took there potions without question. After all that acceptance and belief, I am addicted to prescription drugs. It's time to think for myself again. It's hell getting off them, however I am determined. I was misdiagnosed some thirty years ago. The last time I asked a Dr. for assistance to get off a drug, she gave me another drug to assist in the process. That was about eight years ago. Should it happen you are addicted to some 'hard' drug such as cocaine or heroin, rehab is available. If it's a prescription drug, born and raised by the pharmaceutical industry, you are on your own. I've made a personal decision. I'm coming off drugs. It's hell. I've had nights of gasping for air. I've had panic attacks. I've had side effects you can't imagine. The drug I am coming off, once considered to be the best drug ever to be introduced to the market place for its particular purpose, is now considered by many in the field to be poison. Law suits are launched but never make it to court, because the pharmaceutical industry makes sure clients are paid off before the case becomes public. God forbid the pharmaceutical industry should be in question. It's big business, it's corporate North America, and the bottom line is the almighty dollar. What else can I say. I am angry.
Over the past five years, I have successfully left one powerful drug behind, and am close to leaving the second one in the dust. The third will be the most difficult. It is the most addictive. I will do it.
Don't worry! Tomorrow I will be back to my usual self .. my creative self ... the self I love and nurture. In the meantime, I have been honest about some of the darker parts of my life which must be nurtured and healed.
Thank you for listening. I know it's not pretty. We all have our issues in life. No one is exempt. These are mine. I wouldn't trade with anyone else ...
The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. ~Max Lerner, The Unfinished Country, 1950